“Haven’t been feeling quite myself today, I don’t know what it is either..
Maybe its the weather. Maybe it’s this baffling flu that I just became a victim of, or the way my hair wasn’t falling right with the wind, or maybe the fact that my mind caught the attention of too many irrelevant things during class, or the fact that I took a long jog int he rain… Maybe I just can’t come to any right terms with anything right now, that my world feels a little overwhelmed maybe I’m lacking confrontation today – clouding up another unwanted emotion; leaving me grumpy, unhappy and confused about what my actions may cause if I act upon my silly emotion.”
After I had written this, I left my entry dated 14/03/2012 in my draft to sit and get on with later while I rest aside and do some study; that night was a night I wished never rose up, nor expected it arrive. As mentioned, I wasn’t quite feeling myself the entire day, but the time it struck midnight and I heard my mum let out a loud shout; a broken scream. I ignored her; I was busy trying to focus on my equations, but I heard her footsteps approaching my room, she came to my door, banging it, knocking it hard as ever – I knew then it wasn’t something light to handle at a time like this. I sprung open my door to an unfamiliar face, I had never seen my mum so pale, shocked, and stunned. It was as if she was paralysed, she struggled to tell me what was happening, what was wrong, what was going on. Stuttering, I managed to grasp a hold of what she was trying to say,
“Nadines what mum!? What are you talking about?
“she’s in a c–c—carr..~”
“Mum what are you talking about, what happened!?
“She’s in a car and she’s dead, she crash dead, she’s dead, she died sweetie, she’s gone!”
At that point my heart sunk, I trembled at the thought of death, the thought of extinction, and suddenly felt the weight of the world shaken heavily against me; it was as if air no longer existed, as if I ran straight into space that was caved in by confusion and disbelief. My memories with her flashed simultaneously before my eye. One by one, in just a split second my mind played out every single unreal moment I ever had with her – they way we held hands in when we were afraid, in our darkest hours, the way we encouraged one another, and the way dreamt together, laughed together.
Nadine I miss you so much words can’t articulate, I miss the way you would randomly message me, the way I’d see you at church, the way you get excited over everything and anything, the way you regret blowing off a whole months pay on one little thing. I miss your outrageous laugh, and I miss your flawless golden smile.
I just miss you…
I’ve grieved before, but not never this kind of ache – not the kind where I know I can’t with all my might fix anything or have the will to bring you back. I don’t think I can accept you’re gone even though I know your absences has a profound purpose, I’m plain selfish and just want you back here. For just a little while longer. I wish God didn’t have to take you away so soon because I had plans for you before I even had the chance to tell you..
I wanted you to be my bridesmaid, I wanted you to meet my future children, I wanted you to be there when I walked down the isle, I wanted to travel with you, and I needed you there as my sister – my one-stop happy hour comfort of the day.
I’m lost in denial and caught up with the enemies lies, and my world now is messy and has a hundred thousand things cycling and functioning all at once. I need to grieve, help me grieve you off and help me accept that you’re gone.
God let my soul know very well.