Dear Chakriya,

a piece of me

Undertone

I cant make sense of this mess, all that clutter.. Can’t make sense of what all the colourful, sharp, and dark…. THiNGS that are confidently, vigorously bouncing in all my four corners.

Maybe I lack the ability to gracefully elaborate myself..

Present myself..

I lash out and stand still until I realize what I had been doing for the past 3 and a half minutes. Staring in piercing silence trying to make sense of the past 3 and a half minutes.

But wonder why pain, hurt…sadness… depression is all in the most uncanny way… pleasing.. and.. somewhat addictive… We try so hard to escape it, and try find something?…  SOMEONE???? To just make things all better, but theres an ounce of “come closer” that has you but a thread…

I’m tired of fighting..

How long are you going to linger in all of that… Do you even recognise it?

 

Where am I?

Having been the only girl, I always thought; & at one point convinced myself that I was undoubtedly 9.5 times out of 10 – adopted.

It was as if my parents were tired of having so much boys ruining within the family and just thought one day “Why not?”… Despite finding out that I was an accident made me think nonetheless; that I am probably adopted.

In the past fortnight I’ve been trying to piece out; somewhat pull together what characteristics, and resemblance in our personalities, I posses in either of my parents. To find some sort of  something..

Sad to say I dont think I have anything relatable to them at all, other than the fact that I’m legitimately not adopted. We’re just different. I suppose it would have been nice to hear someone suggest that “You’re just like your mother” or “You have the same eyes as your dad”… Maybe it’s just this mix of genes that given me lack of personality, looks..

Or perhaps that I’m just secretly.. adopted..

Rocked it

“When your pain is tangible. You can reach out and touch it. It’s everywhere, consuming you. You don’t realise how long it’s been eating away at your insides until you finally cave in and crumble helplessly, crashing, spiralling down, helplessly.

The terrible tightening in your chest, the constriction of your lungs, the deep, shuddering breaths in as you try to hold back the inevitable – then you that silent break.

The painful, wracking sobs, screaming silently, your damaged self seeping out through the cracks that you flimsily repair each time you fall apart. But this time, those cracks have split wide open, leaving gaping holes in your being. You wail for a long time; that weep until you are empty, benumbed, turned inside out.” 

Rocked it.

You are.

I would always tell myself to be strong in everything and all that I do. To have righteousness within my heart, and to live up to every footstep that I take, and towards every word I utter.

I dont think I’ve ever gotten to know myself  ever so intimately before.

I saw another side of this thing I refused to call “me” :: what I was becoming?

I became foreign to this girl, I was almost afraid of what she was going to do, or the plans she had for me, or the actions she had placed before me. I didn’t recognise her. In fact at the time, all I wanted to do was run from what I didn’t recognise. She was beautiful, nothing I sought to imagine; or could ever amount to.

I really believe this season in time will be overflown with fresh flush of visions. Though I know the waters will collide viciously – I’m willing to dive to know this.. this new me.

Must say it will take time… I may have to swallow my pride for a few moments and just let me be me, and to not be afraid of something new, something great, and something beyond my limitations.

I refuse to limit myself… In moderations of course.

Let this journey begin.

360

I dont know what it was or what kept me up last night but I couldn’t for the longest time fall-fucking-asleep…

By the time my imaginary clock stopped clicking I found myself with child in a world that was breathtakingly cold – without warmth. Just really cold. I remember as I stood beside familiar faces there also I stood without the father. I wasn’t sure who the father was or what he looked like, all I knew is that I was due in no time.

As dreams do, I hop-scotched from this to another that, one blink after the another I was in a hospital bed now in labor. The place was white and I remember I had pink sheets, and a fluffy pink blanket just placed neatly over my stomach – it was all beautifully created, every vision in my mind, all these things I was in hope in all circumstances of having a child.. I even managed to forget my pretend pain that I was aching from.

The father had arrived by this time just as little baby was about to pop out. Strangely I couldn’t see who he was, his face, voice, or what scent he possessed. His face was blurred but was part and nicely dressed.

My last exhale releasing painful push came out a beautiful girl, I can’t remember what we named her but she was a sweet and precious bundle of joy, quiet that is. The moment her bug eyes sprung open they were a light brown, glossy, inevitably “cute”. She didn’t cry a sound at all. She had the cutest tiny dimple, one on either side. I couldn’t believe or thought it even at all possible to create such grace, she was beyond the beauty I’d ever imagine, and for just a small creature she was something special, more and over.

Moments on, the nurse asked the father to cut her umbilical cord as he did – the closing snip of the moment my world stopped moving. What was left only old flickering film of pictures.

Snapped back to reality

Off the edge

The moment right before you jump…. Heart raising, emotions high, you want to jump but you don’t exactly know how? Something simple as leaping off the edge… Seems like this great feat ahead of you! But i think that’s because it’s not the jump that’s the hard part…

It’s not the Jump we’re afraid of… It’s the free fall that follows.

It’s that Moment of emptiness, and questioning of ourselves as to whether we’ve made the Jump at the right time or not!? It’s that uneasy feeling and doubt as to whether something we will break our fall….

For if we let go of one, what then will we have to grab hold of? If we free fall what then is there?

Sometimes you just have to jump! … And trust He’ll break your fall!

Sometimes you can’t have what’s over the edge until your willing to let go and free fall….

Free fall into the next security – until you discover whatever it is that will swing by for you to grab onto…

Sometimes you just have to jump!

Take the chance

Take the risk

Who knows you might enjoy the free fall after all…

You might actually find what it is your really looking for….

Hopscotch

Hello viewers, readers, procrastinators..

I hadn’t been able to just sit and write to here for a while now. Majority of my “undivided-attention” goes towards Studying and trying set-sail this routine… still!

Uni has certainly gotten the better of me, along side personal commitments and trying to keep myself sane with social circles. Having not written in so long I’m unsure on how to address myself anymore, but I do, would like, want to.. touch bases on whats been weighing me.

In the past few months I don’t think I’ve ever been so confused,  just down regarding the things I want to do with my life. Sure I am studying business which is fantastic – financially futuristically. But I find I’m so closed off from all this creativity trapped inside, or just my urge to want to get my head into theology.

For as long as I can remember, I could really care about money, what it meant..

I didn’t think I would ever let it consume me in such away of it becoming my only goal.

During the time of making my final decisions to what degree I wanted to pursue, I canceled out everything I ever wanted to do to chase paper.

I’m not too sure why to be shamefully honest. But somehow in the midst of it all, I felt like I needed to prove myself, prove my family something, to make myself something other than just doing the simple things, “useless” and trivial things to get by in this life. I felt like I need to get a job that meant me earning a lot of money “Just because”.. Just fucking because..

So now here I stand…

I’m a third way into this ordeal and I’m in a constant trance, doubting my ability to go through with it all. I don’t know if I should just drop the distant money to do the things I love; or go through with it and get a job and work the 9-5 hours in something I don’t enjoy doing.

I dont know if I should just leave uni and just work until I have enough money to do what I want to do, to study theology, or maybe change my degree to a bachelor of Psychology? Anthropology? Or if I should leave that all and get my heart into action and become a fashion designer, an artist?

I have a million threads holding me back from taking that step forward.

I need to throw a pebble..

Small bump

They say dwelling on the past only tares you down from pulling yourself back up again, but this time I know in my itty bitty heart that I have a hope to one day reunite with my past again. This time in a better place, better time where nothing in the world mattered but the divine existence of Gods eternal presence – cheer.

It would have been my first mothers day with you bubba and though you’re not longer here, if I could take myself back to the moment where I was able to inhale a time of ours together, conversating with you – If I could just have you back for that moment one more time, I would have never slipped up..

It kills me everyday that you’re no longer here with me; that I can no longer see you grow, to witness you imprint your sweet existence into this world. If I could just go back to that one day, I would have not once contemplated trading you for the entire world..

 

I still think about you everyday and not a day goes by where I’m unable to forgive myself for everything that I have done. The chance of you being here has instilled in me, I’m weak and I feel the weight of the world at times when I’m faced with a stand, now, today it only takes one small nudge to shake my world. Some days I get by having to bare the blood of you on the palm on my clean hands. I feel broken and tired of what I let slip right through me. I’m filled with this impulsive silent rage and if I could, I would have exchanged my life for yours – I know you would have lived it better than I did. You know sweetie, it’s been so hard going on without you, not knowing how deep this would have cut me. I took everything way from you and now here I stand with your name tattooed on the tablet of my heart – forgive me – I don’t know what to do. You were just a small bump unborn.

But I want you to know something, and hear my heart out in this; Mummy wants to let you know that she is sorry; and that she loves you with all her heart, and that you mean the absolute world to her. This brokenness and this empty void that I can’t seem to escape from. My instant tendency gravitates towards losing sight of your growth up above with your heavenly father. Mummy has been struggling to accept that you’re gone, but I need to remind myself everyday that you’re okay. I have taken accountability of what I’ve done, but these scars consequently are far from healed. Mummy misses you so much bubba..

But babe, thank you for visiting me in my dreams, you make mummys dreams better than reality when you do. Though I’m still finding terms of forgiveness with myself, your laughter and the way your eyes would flutter fills me with that peace that you’re okay, waiting for me; that your forgiveness means more than my apology. Thank you for visiting mummy, thank you for letting me hold you and nurture you again. You grew up to be such a beautiful little girl upstairs and I will never forget your bug eyes and your light brown hair that brushed to the side. Your little cute button nose, and your two tiny nibble teeth that were seeking through.

I love you bub, and I believe God is taking care of you so preciously, gently, and most humbly. I cannot wait to see you and hold you again. I’m still torn but I pray you and the mighty man upstairs, along side Nadine watch over me and the rest of my footprints in this life to heal. I promise I will do the best I can, to be the best that I can in everything until I see you again. Daddy thinks about you too precious, I love you and I will see you soon. I promise

Sincerely,

Mummy

Once upon a time

“Forgetting someone you loved is like remembering someone you’ve never met.”

I’ve  come to the point where all the things that everyone told me is seeking true. They were all right when they said “time would heal everything”. Here I am, nearly obtained, but every now and then you still come to mind. You’re like a lingering ghost that no longer provides a sensation of pain, but a sensation of wonder. I’m neither sad, nor angry when this happens..

If anything I’m smiling. Smiling at the memories and smiling at what I had experienced with you in what feels like only yesterday you were remedy man. I don’t know if I’ll ever see you, and I don’t know if we’ll ever fall into a state of absolute peace and indifference.

But, I dream of a future where we have a sort of serendipity moment. A moment caused by mere chance where we run into each other in our new lives. We introduce each other to our new significant others, and we give each other a faint smile and remember the love we had once shared. I want to smile at you sincerely and wish you the best in all your endeavors. I want to genuinely say how lucky your new flame is to have you, and how I hope they’ll enjoy the person I helped change for the better. And I can only hope you congratulate and give me your blessings for my future relationship.

I hope you can remind my future love to not let me get my way at times, and to never lose sight of what is important. My love is real, because my hurt and bitterness has turned into pure love and understanding. Gone? Or just soaked in transparency.. Though I know I am perhaps and almost out of your life now, I am still remembering you fondly stranger. I’ll see you soon then?

Always have, always will.

Church bells ring.

“Haven’t been feeling quite myself today, I don’t know what it is either..

Maybe its the weather. Maybe it’s this baffling flu that I just became a victim of, or the way my hair wasn’t falling right with the wind, or maybe the fact that my mind caught the attention of too many irrelevant things during class, or the fact that I took a long jog int he rain… Maybe I just can’t come to any right terms with anything right now, that my world feels a little overwhelmed maybe I’m lacking confrontation today – clouding up another unwanted emotion; leaving me grumpy, unhappy and confused about what my actions may cause if I act upon my silly emotion.”

After I had written this, I left my entry dated 14/03/2012 in my draft to sit and get on with later while I rest aside and do some study; that night was a night I wished never rose up, nor expected it arrive. As mentioned, I wasn’t quite feeling myself the entire day, but the time it struck midnight and I heard my mum let out a loud shout; a broken scream. I ignored her; I was busy trying to focus on my equations, but I heard her footsteps approaching my room, she came to my door, banging it, knocking it hard as ever – I knew then it wasn’t something light to handle at a time like this. I sprung open my door to an unfamiliar face, I had never seen my mum so pale, shocked, and stunned. It was as if she was paralysed, she struggled to tell me what was happening, what was wrong, what was going on. Stuttering, I managed to grasp a hold of what she was trying to say,

“Naaah—na—nadine”

“Nadines what mum!? What are you talking about?

“she’s in a c–c—carr..~”

“Mum what are you talking about, what happened!?

“She’s in a car and she’s dead, she crash dead, she’s dead, she died sweetie, she’s gone!”

At that point my heart sunk, I trembled at the thought of death, the thought of extinction, and suddenly felt the weight of the world shaken heavily against me; it was as if air no longer existed, as if I ran straight into space that was caved in by confusion and disbelief.  My memories with her flashed simultaneously before my eye. One by one, in just a split second my mind played out every single unreal moment I ever had with her – they way we held hands in when we were afraid, in our darkest hours, the way we encouraged one another, and the way dreamt together, laughed together.

Nadine I miss you so much words can’t articulate, I miss the way you would randomly message me, the way I’d see you at church, the way you get excited over everything and anything, the way you regret blowing off a whole months pay on one little thing. I miss your outrageous laugh, and I miss your flawless golden smile.

I just miss you…

I’ve grieved before, but not never this kind of ache – not the kind where I know I can’t with all my might fix anything or have the will to bring you back. I don’t think I can accept you’re gone even though I know your absences has a profound purpose, I’m plain selfish and just want you back here. For just a little while longer. I wish God didn’t have to take you away so soon because I had plans for you before I even had the chance to tell you..

I wanted you to be my bridesmaid, I wanted you to meet my future children, I wanted you to be there when I walked down the isle, I wanted to travel with you, and I needed you there as my sister – my one-stop happy hour comfort of the day.

I’m lost in denial and caught up with the enemies lies, and my world now is messy and has a hundred thousand things cycling and functioning all at once. I need to grieve, help me grieve you off and help me accept that you’re gone.

God let my soul know very well.

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